What's (Your) Truth? (overdue day 21 of 21)

 We talk about truth (satya) a lot in yoga. It's also popular in todays' vernacular to broadcast being "authentic" and "real," but I'm wondering if while trying to express these things (to ourselves and to others) we don't just end up creating more stories that are still less than, well, truthful.

Imagine if you will, one hand you have "your truth" and in the other "your lies." Depending on your level of self-doubt, it is completely possible that what you think is truth might actually be a story you've conjured out of anxiety, depression, and/or ego. The hand holding the lie is actually the truth, and the truth is the actually lie. 

So here's the million dollar meditation point, all completely in my humble opinion. It really doesn't matter if you are going to announce your truth to the world or not. It only matters if you are going to be honest with yourself. So making sweeping declarations about the kind of person (you think) you are only have validity if you not only believe them but live them. If it feels conjured, then it's part of a façade. 

In Sanskrit the word for lie is the same as untruth: asatyam (literally, "not the truth"). Though this seems to linguistically imply there is only black or white, lie or truth, in reality it is one big gray area. Satya doesn't directly mean truth, it implies truth, or essence. or virtue. Adding the "a-" prefix changes the meaning to be the opposite of. So the context of the word carries the significance.

Same in English, though we do change the words to fit the context. We don't necessarily lie about our own story; we fabricate a story, we stretch the truth, we embellish for effect, we hide fact, we have the sin of omission, we gild the lily, we cast shadow of doubt, we prevaricate, we change tone to suggest we feel shame about something. So our truth carries altered essence no matter what if we aren't paying attention to simplifying, and seeing it through the most honest of lenses.

Sometimes it helps to be accountable to someone else when having a truth check in, like in therapy. Sometimes it complicates the process of finding truth. In yoga, our honesty process involves Pratyahara (withdrawing the senses), Dharana (concentration), and Dyhana (single pointed concentration), so it's very much an individual experience. There is no one else to validate/verify what you are finding. It's even more important then, on this path, to feel at home in your own skin, comfortable feeling vulnerable, and confident to feel, period. 

No one "muscles through" the eight-limbs physically or mentally, despite what modern incarnations that show short-cut asana mastery might suggest. No one need to supplicate or suffer at the hands of another, despite what some "gurus" might strongarm from their false pulpits. No one is incapable to doing yoga; there is a way to bring the practice to everyone if the teacher is truthful about their abilities. 

As for the practitioner, it is not for me to say by what truth you or anyone else must abide. When someone comes to the mat, all I can ask is that they consider that what they tell themselves may be as much a story as anything else, so just be in the moment and see if their perception of themselves changes. We need to be able to observe ourselves with open minds and hearts before we can know our truth. It's weirdly NOT intellectual. So we find out truth by following the path, by doing the work on the mat (and off), by releasing the need to hold on to any of the "not truths" and we peel back the pages of the stories we've written until we get a peek at what is deep down. We don't need to shout it from the rooftops, or write a song about it, or make some grandiose statement when we find it. We can just be essentially ourselves.

Day 20 of 21: Change Your Perspective

 Original image by Rachel Byer https://www.rachelbeyer.com/blog/2019/7/29/the-hanged-woman

The Hanged Man is the card of ultimate surrender, of being suspended in time and of martyrdom and sacrifice to the greater good. He is hanging upside-down, viewing the world from a completely different perspective, and his facial expression is calm and serene, suggesting that he is in this hanging position by his own choice. He has a halo around his head, symbolizing new insight, awareness and enlightenment. His right foot is bound to the tree, but his left foot remains free, bent at the knee and tucked in behind his right leg. His arms are bent, with hands held behind his back, forming an inverted triangle. There is a halo burning brightly around the hanged man's head, signifying a higher learning or an enlightenment.

What does this represent? Wisdom, circumspection, discernment, trials, sacrifice, intuition, divination, prophecy. It's opposite is Selfishness, the crowd, body politic.

Why have I posted this image for the penultimate day of my 21 day challenge? Because as I near it's end, I realize it's all about changing perspective. In order to get that alternate view, you have to know where you are - you have to center to get a bead. Once you know where you are, you can see where you've been, and then make decisions about where you want to go.

For 20 days (ish) now I've been writing about practicing yoga and meditation, and how they relate to me personally, how I've been instructing in my classes and reflecting back on new techniques and lingering thoughts. As much as I started out with intent for this to be "life changing" at some point I was just going with the flow, waiting for it to end because it was just another task to have to complete. It's not that I don't think about yoga every day, it's just that my thoughts aren't always noteworthy for sharing. Yet I committed to putting them into the blogosphere for the sake of argument, to fulfill a promise, and to see what insight I might divine from it.

Like some of my classes on Zoom, with the blog, there's an audience that doesn't really get to chime in one way or the other except in after comments. Essentially I'm journaling, and it feels empty sometimes, like I'm a lone semantic alchemist trying to conjure golden expressions of genius out of random metal words and phrases. 

That being said, during this process I have been partaking in two different type of learning. I have this Yoga for Mental Health training with Cindy Beers (https://cindybeers.com/events/) where I have been immersed in lessons on mindfulness to help recognize, alleviate, and work with depression, PTSD and stress within the boundaries of a yoga practice.  I also have started on a path to some sort of certification in biological/exercise science, and have enrolled in a Introduction to Kinesiology class. Going back to formal "college" was huge in conquering my fear and anxiety that almost prevented me from graduating back in 1988 (but that's a story for another time). 

The 21-day yoga challenge didn't necessarily make me better at yoga pose, or an expert at meditation, but it led me to dive more deeply into learning. Something sparked that quest for higher knowledge, and fueled the confidence to finally enroll. 

The Tarot card above (which traditionally would be shown with a man) kept popping up in my mind the past week or two, and when I was trying to find just the right picture this one came up. I think it's beautiful and represents where I am. People often see images like this in Tarot and think "Oh, that's bad!" If you look more deeply at the image you can absolutely see that even though the person seems bound and "hung" they are not in distress at all. It occurred to me that they are in fact holding tree pose, with their hands on the back and front of their power center (third chakra), and hanging not by an external force, but with strength of their own leg from the tree. Tree pose, one representing growth, strength, nature, connectedness. In this position, upside down, perhaps it could mean the tree can grow where it chooses, even upside down. Just because circumstances are odd, doesn't mean that you can't thrive; you just need to get centered. 

The scene isn't gruesome, but serene, acrobatic, and even calm. Not bad at all. Tarot cards like Death and The Fool likewise aren't bad but depict something about change. They aren't meant to frighten or disgust but help the reader or even casual observer look at things with a different perspective.

So that's where I am with this practice. Thinking about how these past 20 days have given me insight to what is really important, and how I might proceed to stay true to what I need. Next time I need a reset, I'll remember to stand on my head!

Day 19 of 21: Yoga Nidra

In a Yoga Nidra meditation, you are guided through a body scan with the intention of the mind settling into a relaxes state of consciousness between wakefulness and sleep.

There are many guided meditations you can find online, and one of my homework assignments was to write/record a Yoga Nidra practice. So, I am posting mine here for you to try. 

Jackie's Yoga Nidra

It is just 20 minutes start to finish, but to prepare for this meditation, you'll need to lay down first and get settled (I didn't do a long intro I just went right into it). You can do so on a mat, or a bed, or sit in a chair, but make sure you are warm and comfortable and safe. Ideally you wouldn't need to move, but there are no "points off" for having to adjust if you are uncomfortable.

(Truth be told, I did a two hour Nidra once and I think started snoring 1/2 way through, and once I was bumped awake, realized that the flesh around my tailbone was numb because we were on a wood floor with no props. I don't think suffering through this is the way to go so get yourself comfortable.)

What you'll hear on my very rudimentary recording is me guiding you to pay attention to certain body parts, slowly and methodically, hopefully encouraging a trancelike state of mind. 

I feel like this could be used for a good morning wakeup or even an afternoon nap refresher. Let me know what you think!

Day 17 and 18 of 21: Honoring Commitment

Fell off the blogging wagon for a day, but I promise you I was practicing yoga without fail. So here's two days worth of updates. I absolutely was Om-ing and trying to figure out what it meant to me as I wander through this week, and today, I came across this gem in A Year of Living Your Yoga

Whatever you do, do it with an open heart. Maybe you agreed to do something, but now you wish you hadn't. If you do choose to follow through in the end, do so with willingness and interest. You will suffer less and so will the others around you.

Each day I wake up a little begrudgingly knowing I made a commitment to post because I'm trying to create a habit of getting my ideas generator used to working more than sporadically. This in turn will help make my classes better, me happier, my life in general more fulfilling, and my family and friends may find me more pleasant to be around. 

So missing a day of posting means that I let myself down. Plus I forget any of the juicy ideas that did come up during the experience. They may not be noteworthy to anyone but me, but the ship has sailed once 24 hours have passed. Like having an amazing dream, and not telling anyone or writing it down, and by the next day it's just hazy memories like a partially erased tape or warped photo. 

Plus the past three-ish days I have been battling migraines and the medication has left me feeling like I have a swiss cheese personality, so recapturing any of the flashes of insight from yesterday are difficult.

I do remember that the book listed above offered the idea of meditating on thing (person or object or idea) that brings your happiness, and allowing that sensation to fill you. I thought it might be interesting to combine the mental image of this with an Om vocalization.  I like the idea of infusing the Om practice with another object of focus - like dedicating the practice to an object of love or happiness. I had chosen my son. However in hindsight I may have been overcomplicating the practice a bit at least as a beginning meditator. I will have to discuss this with my mentor and research a bit to see if chanting and imagery are advised. I didn't get any feedback from the class (yet) so we will see. 

The migraine effect continues today, and I was rummaging around my brain to find a way to keep people interested in the Om practice. I brought out the singing bowl thinking that we would use that to guide our Oms, but I forgot that I don't have a striker to elongate the sound, and my foggy head and voice were unable to match the note of the bowl so that my "singing" fell so flat it was comical. 

After a few anti-sonorous attempts I croaked out a few Oms but I didn't feel good about them. Directly afterwards I read the aphorism above and laughed quite literally out loud. I mean, I made my best attempt with sincerity, so hopefully no one suffered (more than already was). I meant well, my heart was in it, but my literal pain and drug affected brain could not cash the check!

This post is part apology, part confession, and all receipt reminder for future me when this happens again: keep the commitment, but you don't have to try so hard. I'm thinking don't scramble to "entertain" just stick with what you know. A simple Om practice would have been very grounding me for me, would have worked just as well for the class, and fulfilled the obligation 100% (and I'd feel far less guilty). 

Note to self: I really have to find a bowl striker.

Day 16 of 21: Connecting to the Source

To further my Om practice, today I led the class in a two-minute session. The daily reading from a book (https://www.amazon.com/Yoga-365-Daily-Wisdom-Life/dp/1452145008) I often garner inspiration offered the idea of choosing a word on which to focus a daily intention. Today, I chose Om/Source. 

The daily idea not only suggested choosing a word, but also noting how that word presenting itself throughout the day. Did a situation arise where it was important to remember that word, or perhaps you saw an example of it? Did you need to remind yourself of that word to help you maintain focus during your practice? What does that word mean to you? Examine the reasons why you chose it, both obvious, and perhaps more subconscious.

This week being “Om” week I wanted to stay consistent with my practice, and Wednesday we work on our core, so using the idea of “source” (centering) seemed to fit the theme appropriately. Sometimes I’ll pick an intention for practice, but partway through class my mind has been racing and I forget the exact word I’ve chosen as the intention, so this one I was sure to remember!

I also wanted to change up the opening meditation practice, so instead of just three rounds of Om, I told class that we would do two minutes of meditation on our chosen “mantra” to be recited aloud or in our own minds, but I would also be turning off my microphone so that my voice would not be interfering with their meditation. 

For two full minutes (timed on my Google Home Mini) I vocalized my Oms. I found myself smiling, and enjoying the sonorous quality, and to my surprise not feeling left wanting when I transitioned to silence. I am starting to embrace the idea of the quiet after the Oms being part of the “rebirth” or “fourth state of consciousness” and something to be enjoyed as much as the chanting itself. It’s almost like the spirit of the Om remained in the room, even if the sound itself wasn’t perceived.

At the end of class, I gave everyone the opportunity do a three-Om chant with me by enabling their microphones, but as far as I could tell no one took me up on it (yet). I still allowed my voice to ring out clearly, from my source, my center with the purest of intention to theirs in the spirits of one-ness. 

Om, indeed.

Days 14 and 15 of 21: No Place Like Om

 So this is a two-for-one post to catch me up. I will more than likely post for a extra day to make up for missing one.

I want to focus on how I've been practicing the Om chanting with my classes and compare the effects to that of affirmations, so here goes.

In my in-person yoga classes at the libraries I don't often include Oms because it's a non-sectarian, very secular environment and I never want anyone to feel uncomfortable with a Sanskrit, more traditional yoga based practice. We have people coming in from many different backgrounds and as we are providing the classes for free, on public property, it's important to make sure no one feel intimidated by the content. Occasionally I have asked students if they wanted to practice with the sound of Om and when they were open to it, we did. 

In classes I do online from my home I can be more in control of my content, so I have been (as you have read) incorporating more meditation, more philosophy, more traditional "yogic" information. This information authenticates the experience of yoga for me, and therefore I find it important to share. I enjoy the  sound of voices in unison reverberating through a room, ringing in the beginning and end of a group practice in harmony. 

I have been part of many different types of Om practices: single Oms, multiple Oms, rolling Oms (where one group of people start, and others join in at various points, one group always starting as another finishes, for a few minutes until the lead signals all voices to come to quiet), silent Oms, Chakra toning, Oming chants with recordings. They all serve different purposes and can have different effects on the practitioner. 

I introduced my two online classes (the Chair Yoga for Seniors and the Special Needs Chair Yoga) to the the practice of chanting three Oms aloud as a group at the beginning of class, following by a few moments of silence, as a means of celebrating and formally starting a practice.

I began by explaining what the sounds of the Om are (Awe-OO-MMM), and where in the body they move (from chest to throat, mouth/head, lips). Also that the sound moves from the back of the mouth to the center and to the front palate.

I read some passages of interpretation about the Om (that it represents Birth, Life, Death, and Rebirth), and how it is described as the primordial or most basic of sounds.

To assist understanding, I suggest everyone think of a song they love, and a reason why they love it, and/or the emotions that come up when they hear that song. Then they should think about if they are moved to sing or hum along with the song, and how they feel when they can participate in creating the sound of the song. The power of the Om is like that - participating in creating the sound connects us to the song of the universe, and we can start to notice how we feel/react to that simplest of sounds.

One of the benefits of doing the class via Zoom is that no one had to feel self conscious Om-ing in front of other people; everyone was able to keep their microphones off so that only person that heard them chanting was themselves. It's an opportunity to get comfortable with the practice on your own. Later this week I will offer both classes a chance to turn on their mics and Om with me aloud (I'll post the responses to that).

I often think someone might still have reservation about "chanting" thinking it's a religious thing or that I am asking someone to say words invoking something they don't understand (in fact, one person did ask me exactly that). To put everyone minds at ease I am always very specific about explaining what Om means ("source") and humming is also a perfectly acceptable substitute. I also like to point out, for those that have their own faith-based practices, chanting "amen" might be more familiar, would work with the exact same intention (amen means "so be it"), and have similar vocalizations (ahhhhhhhhh-meeeeeeeeehhhhhhnnnnnnn). Some speculate that "amen" may have derived from "om" or "aum" as well (see reference).

I lead the chant three times, and this correlates to the sounds A-U-M, also to the three states of consciousness: waking state, dreaming state, and dreamless sleep of spirit. The entire word represents the fourth state, samadhi (full awakeneing), and that is our silence after we chant. 

How do I feel when I Om? Buzzy. Awake. Sometimes, if I'm emotional, it can cull from me tears as I sound through the lengthened exhale. But always Alive and Aware. I try to create the sound in different place in my body; sometimes my sinuses, sometimes, my belly, just to see where I can place the vibration, or where it wanders if I'm not mindful. 

It feels weird to be chanting alone. The silence afterwards can be startling. I miss hearing the voices of others ringing out harmoniously after I've stopped. Even after the fifth or sixth time of this resurrected practice, I still anticipate hearing others when my humming stops. The more I guide the practice for others the more I build my confidence, and try to find the beauty in that quiet, content rather than seeking. I've been asking for feedback to see how others are feeling. Some are responding that they find it calming. One gentleman was not a fan, saying he very comically stated that he felt like a sick cow, and we all giggled. I reassured him that there are no wrong feelings and he might find nice easy breathing more to his liking next time (he smiled broadly). 

I guess, if anything, Om is Moo backwards.

Day 13 of 21: Let Veda Rule Your Happy Shiny Om

Back when I was working on becoming a kids yoga teacher I had the unique opportunity to sit in on classes at the Chopra center, as well as assistant teach and even substitute teach family yoga classes there.  Each class has a particular flow to it, that had to include Chakra toning with the Bija Mantras. Bija means seed, and the purpose of each seed is to activate the chakra, or energy center, with sound, or, rather, a chant.

My teacher had a mnemonic to remember the names of the sounds, hence the title of this post.  (Note: some practices will skip the Sham and just repeat Om twice). The sounds are:

Lam for the root chakra, to activate/draw attention to connection to earth, grounding energy, and the phrase "I am."

Vam for the sacral chakra (just below the belly button), to energize creativity, and the mantra "I feel."

Ram for the solar plexus, for personal fortitude and willpower, focus on "I do."

Yam for the heart, where both receives and gives emotion, with "I love."

Ham for the throat chakra, for find the words of truth for "I speak."

Sham for third eye chakra, the intuitive knowing, phrased as "I see."

Om for the seventh chakra at the crown of the head, the place where we are connected to the divine, for "I understand."

A practice that includes "oms" can be powerful because vocalization resonates in the body and has an effect on the nervous system, reverberates in the sinus cavities, and stimulates the brain. Music/sounds has deep connectivity with memory. The word/sound of om (actually pronounced AUM) utilizes all the vowel sounds and is said to create a unique focus for your conscious mind. [You can read more about OM here. https://www.yogajournal.com/philosophy/the-sound-of-om/].

On the simplest level, it can feel good simply to vocalize a simple chant during yoga with the entire class, or release any self consciousness and sink deep into a resonant open mouthed OM!

The Bija Mantras are a nice scale to utilize to energize the whole body, uttering each seed on a long outbreath, and focusing on the chakra to which it pertains. A five minutes practice, repeating the mantras while drawing attention to each energy center as you utter the syllable, picturing energy moving into the area of the body and creating warmth, healing, and vitality can be a very powerful medtiation.

It will be my practice this evening. I hope the title of this post can help you remember the sequence: Let Veda Rule Your Happy Shiny Om! Lam Vam Ram Yam Ham Sham Om!

Day 12 of 21: Jewish Meditation

I was asked today to offer a blessing before a reading of a portion of the Torah (the first five books of the bible sacred in Judaism), during the Saturday morning service (Shabbat). 

Being asked to give this aliyah ("calling up") is an honor, and it was bestowed up me by the Sisterhood of the Synagogue to which I belong, as a thank you for provide community yoga classes last year. 

The entire service revolved around Sisterhood members and contributors with both Aliyot (plural for aliyah), readings from Torah, and other prayers, in a beautiful multi-generational collaboration of speaking, singing, and praise. 

We had a special guest contributor as well, Allison Leichter https://www.alisonlaichter.com/, who not only spoke eloquently about the weekly Torah story (Parashat) but wove it into a delightful meditation session.

During the service there is a reading and sermon about a story from the Torah. This week's is that of Jethro (Hebrew "Yitro"), the advisor to Moses, and the giving of the Ten Commandments at Mount Sinai. (Check out more about this story here https://medium.com/ifnotnowtorah/yitro-all-night-revelation-6b196bf6e8ab.)

In the words of our Rabbi:

In our Torah reading this week, Parashat Yitro, we continue to tell the story of the Exodus from Egypt. The Israelites make it to Mount Sinai and they receive the Ten Commandments. The Exodus from Egypt becomes one of the most symbolic experiences, a defining moment, and an inspiring story in Judaism’s tradition. According to the Talmud, we owe it all to the merit of righteous women for making it happen.  

Also, Yitro (Moses' father-in-law) advises Moses to set up a system of judges so that Moses does not have to answer every individual question himself, lest he exhaust himself (“you will surely wear yourself out, and these people as well").

Allison's meditation focused on the idea of "t'shuvah," or returning for Moses, meaning settling, coming home, or grounding. The advice from Yitro to Moses was that he needed to "come home" or settle into himself by delegating his work, and making sure to conserve his resources. The idea is that we each need to return to ourselves so that we can best provide to our community. 

Allison also brought up the idea of the divine breathing (life) into man, and by that token perhaps we can allow breath to move through us, rather than have it be so labored. So as we sit in our quiet moments, we should allow ourselves to breathe, allow the breathe to flow as if we are being breathed (into), rather than be something that requires work. 

Another image was that of interconnectivity - that each of our in-breaths is an out-breath of green things. We are interconnected not just with our human community but with all living things!

I am fascinated by the historical stories in the Torah, as well as interpretations that help shed light on human behavior rather than dictate dogma. To be able to channel the stories into a basis for meditation is illuminating and I hope to find more ways to follow Allison's practice. 

My meditation this morning was "I am a proud of my Jewish heritage." I think it's time I felt that good about it.  

Day 11 of 21: Releasing Anger, Reinforcing Self

(I'm writing this Saturday morning so we should call it 11.5)

Fridays I lead two classes: Chair Yoga with "seniors" and Chair Yoga with clients of Regional Center (adults with ID/DD). I have been working on affirmations/meditation with both groups, to not only practice what I'm learning but also impart the lessons that I'm finding so rewarding. Also, to try to finish this week with consistency (each week I try to have a theme in classes). 

I wanted to truly bring home the idea that affirmations, when applied with mindfulness, can work. For the first class, I repeated the meditation, partially, from yesterday (see day 10 of 21) about releasing tension from the belly. For my personal journey, I am finding it necessary to consciously work towards releasing not just tension, but frustration, negativity, and anger that hold me back from being productive, from feeling joy, from wanting to get out of bed in the morning on some days. These affirmations have been pivotal in helping me reset my sense of self, and realizing that I can choose to liberate myself from the roiling and raging in my own head.

For the seniors chair yoga class I used EFT and my personal affirmation was "I release anger."

For my gentle yoga class, I used the Havening gestures. I thought it might help everyone remember how to utilize the practice if I created a rhythmic repetition like in the ETF. So, we did the four Havening moves in sequence while repeating our affirmation, and did five rounds with breath. I have to admit as I'm writing this 18 hours past so I cannot remember and that shows me I wasn't sincerely focused. (My purpose was to impart the idea to the class and I was unable to settle on a focus point for myself this time.)

What I wanted to emphasize was that affirmation are to uplift, to enhance, focus, ground, release, relax, restore, balance. Whatever is needed, the individual has the capacity and power to create it. The hand gestures can help soothe the nervous system and reinforce the message when it's hard to sit still for a "traditional" meditation, and actually enhance the affirmation message by tapping (literally) into the subconscious.

By the end of class everyone just wanted to socialize, so I think they were feeling pretty good. Mission accomplished :)

Day 6 of 21: Affirming the Affirmation

One

Did a quick family hike (spouse, son, dog, self) and it's always interesting to see how our discussions unfold with our 11-year old who has yet to come along willingly on our excursions. We usually have to let him air his grievances without resistance for a goodly part of the time, and my legs often echo his sentiment. It's good medicine to see him work through his anxiety of being taken away from his screen, and challenge his body in new ways, and try to get him interesting in flora and fauna. He usually has some deep philosophical issue that emerges, like "why do I feel at odds with myself about family time?" that we puzzle through. When he gets a bit aggressive with the "blame mom for all my difficulties" my husband steps in to diffuse the situation before Eli gets too insulting or perhaps my feelings are truly hurt. Oddly enough I don't take most of it personally (I find it interesting how he vents his frustrations) but it's fair to think that I don't need to swallow all of the venom, plus they do need to bond.

On the way down, Craig introduced the idea of comparing hypothesis to theory, and would you believe it, Eli sunk his newly emerged adult teeth into that conversation fully! To listen in on the two of them discussing "null hypothesis" and the scientific method, seeing the gear turn in Eli's head and actually getting it more importantly, completely distracted from complaining about hiking and from being away from his computer was swoon-worthy. To add sprinkles to the delicately drizzled cake, Craig worked in  Stoic philosophy, the principle of  "living according to nature." At one point Eli had said "I'm starting to appreciate us doing this," and if that doesn't put a tick mark in the life affirmation column, I sure as hell don't know what does.

Two

Tried tapping in the shower again (why the heck not). Today's affirmation choice: "I am a beautiful  I accept myself for the vibrant woman that I am." Somewhat of all encompassing, but standing naked in the shower, a bit dirty from hiking, not feeling particular sexy or aesthetically beautiful, I figured it was the best time to assert that phrase, because I really really needed to hear it, not from anyone else but from myself.

After I got out of the shower I had this amazing epiphany. I remembered another friend online talking about feeling insecure about her writing, even though I have read her stuff and she is really good. She talked about always needed approval from others to fortify herself and I completely related to that. Then, I had a miscommunication with a dear dear friend of 40 years that stuck in my craw because it shouldn't have happened; I was making it harder to communicate than it should have been and I had to puzzle through why. 

All of a sudden, it hit me. If I'm craving approval from someone who is already giving it means that it's me that has the problem. I'm the only one not approving of myself. There it is, plain and simple.

It's almost funny, you know? Seeing the truth. All this time I kept thinking "They are wrong, I'm really not (insert good thing here)." But NO...it's just some farkakteh negative voice that really is just some small part of me that needs to take a damn nap because it has had the soap box way to long. If was the tapping, or the hiking, or the family time, or the affirmation that have shaken up the dynamic that gave that part the loudspeaker, then good, let's keep doing any and all of the above. Because the quality of my life is going to get a hell of a lot better, and by proxy that of those around me. 

Day 3 of 21: What will I meditate on today?

I could ruminate on what I don't know about why there's so much "unfairness" in capitalism, and then I could ruminate on what smarter people than I would mock about my use of the word "fair" and I can already feel the acid in my stomach churn, knowing that my feelings are so very valid, because what I intend is to express the idea of balance, not fairness, and all the over-intellectualized lessons about how one must maneuver through life by learning the rules of others' games and play them accordingly start to overwhelm and I just want to get to some sense of ease...because none of that (gesturing wildly at the words above) is particularly inspiring. It is in fact, depressing. So how might one meditate on what that "stuff" is without allowing it to overwhelm. depress. disgust. dishearten. frustrate? 

Today I choose to NOT. It's that simple. 

I know yoga is not about avoiding discomfort, but finding a way to acknowledge it, label it, and see how you "feel about your feelings." It's also about knowing when you've maxed out with your ability to sit with discomfort and moving into a safer space.

In the face of all that is unbalanced (note: I'm not saying unfair because there is not universal sense of fairness), it's so important to find inspiration, beauty, joy, love, something at which to marvel. 

We are predisposed to remember and react to unpleasantness as a safety and survival feature. Being "content" can leave you vulnerable to, say, being eaten by a tiger. Stay hyper-vigilant, looking for problems, naysaying, and you'll always be ready for the next bad thing. But this might shorten your life span via stress-related illness, making yourself miserable, making those around you miserable, or at the very least ruin your quality of life. 

So today especially I need a hot minute to BREATHE and find something pleasant to welcome into my consciousness to offset the crap that has been all too generously heaped into my pre-frontal cortex.

Conscious effort is needed, not "whooshing" (my new description of how I seem to go about many things, flitting and swooping from one project to another with very little downtime, or processing time) (see, even yogis are works in progress) onto a mat and hoping that by plopping my hands into my lap some sorta OM chanting will banish bad thoughts.

Nope, I need to do this like I promised myself, my classes. What will be the inspiration tonight? Sitting down to type this was step 1. I gave the negativity its day in court - the attention it wanted, and frankly, I'm over it. So thanks for letting me do that if you read this far. I'm typing here, slowly breathing in adn out, using this creative writing process as a mindful catharsis. 

I think I need to remind myself that what's within my grasp, my sphere of influence- partner, son, dog, parents, friends, garden- I can tend with love today, and everything else, just for today, it's okay to not be able to fix. 

Tomorrow maybe I'll pick something else, but today I need to Keep It Simple. 

Thanks for visiting.