In a rare occurrence of lucidity, dream-me thought "shit, why am I whinging at the dream-person that is frustrating me? why am i being the opposite of who I want to be?" I woke up sad, but aware of the rarity of that "aha" moment.
To that end, in a particularly challenging yoga class today I was actually brought to tears; not big sobbing ones, but hot weepy ones that come on stronger when you hold your breath. I was carrying the frustration of the dream and personal conflict, plus a sympathetic nervous system response (adrenalin surge and anxiety spur) to a particular difficult asana. I needed to STOP making my blissful practice the opposite of what I wanted it to be.I needed to be lucid about what I was experiencing and not victimized by it. So I sat my sweaty ass down, took a deep breath to loosen my throat lock that was just holding in all that negativity. I wanted this practice to be joyful, and I had to choose to make it that way. I wiped away my tears, breathed into my hips (a bit of a tensions reliever) and carried on with content dharana (concentration) instead of frustration based in unrealistic expectations.
As far as the dream was concerned, like always, a few hours away from the waking moment and the conjured emotions dissipated (but the lesson was well remembered). As for the personal conflict, I resolved that the issues were really, truly, external to me, and only *I* had the power to prevent myself from emotional collateral damage. I realized that I could lower my expectations (of myself, of the universe) as over those things I have no control, but that doesn't mean I should lower my standards for the kind of person I want to be(come).
Sometimes recognizing the futility of the fight is just what we need to create more space for the possibility.
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